We have five cats (which is rather embarrassing to admit). They band together, approaching us en masse, like a gang from West Side Story.

They plot. They plan. They open drawers with their paws. We have hook-and-eye locks on 41 drawers.

One cat is Jordy. He loves Bob, but he hates me. He wraps around my ankles and tears at my skin like a manic hamster in a wheel. (I like CVS flexible fabric bandages.)

I’m disabled, so I walk with a cane. I know Jordy puts the dog’s stuffed toys in front of me so I’ll trip.

This cat is determined to kill me. If I asked, “How can I win you over?” I imagine he’d answer, “Die.”

If I dare to pet him, he bites, causing bleeding and blue/green bruises on my arms. Doctors question the cuts.

Jordy’s adorable on Bob’s shoulders until I show up, at which point he leaps onto my face. (Nexcare waterproof bandages stay on when bleeding won’t stop.)

He ambushes me by bursting out of closets and attaching himself to my scalp. I scream while running around the house with a cat on my head.

Jordy lurks all night. At any time, I’ll think I’m hearing: “Geronimo!” He’ll vault onto my belly. (Band-Aids with Neosporin are great for infections.)

When Jordy bites, he won’t let go. If I pull away, he bites down harder. So all day long, I call out, “Bob? Please detach Jordy from my [fill in the body part].”

It is not a smart idea for me to take off my bra anywhere near Jordy.

In spite of all this, I love Jordy. He has just three legs. He’s always been small, frail, and fragile. He gets sick a lot and needs medicine every day.

Experts say cayenne pepper deters biting, but I’d never use that. He’d think, “What did I do that made you give this to me?”

And I’d say, “You bite me, Jordy.”

“I’m just playing,” he’d say. “That’s all it’s ever been.”

Hearing that would break my heart. I only wish he didn’t have nine lives. I wish he had a hundred.


Nationally syndicated, award-winning columnist Saralee Perel can be reached at sperel@saraleeperel.com or via her website: www.saraleeperel.com.

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