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- Written by Tom Blake Tom Blake
One of my readers, named Beth, emailed, “I need advice on a long-ago love from the 1990 years. We met through a singles ad in a local newspaper. We had great magic (chemistry) between us.
“We have kept in contact off and on for more than 20 years, with up and downs. We live in different states, 500 miles apart. I am 79; he is 76.
“He has no children. My children are grown with families of their own. He wants me in his life again and wants me to live with him. I can’t seem to move away from my family. He will not visit me.
“He was in a biking accident three years ago and can’t travel a long distance, even for a visit, to see if we could make a go of it again. I don't know what to do.”
My response: “From what you described, you would be making all the sacrifices. He would be making none. That’s not good. What if you moved there and he got sick or passed away? What would you be left with?
“Why didn’t it work out years ago?”
Beth said, “I want him, and I want my family. I want him to come for a visit, just to see if that magic is still there.
“He was getting over an ex-partner, and I was going through some things also when we met. I had to walk on eggshells at times with him. I think he had a trust issue with women, and he was a lawyer and saw the mean side of people all the time.
“I made the first contact this time after not hearing from him in over a year.
“No one since has made me feel the way he did, and I don’t know what to do. He was special, and I don’t want to lose him again. This might be the last stop for us.”
My response: I told Beth I don’t usually advise people on what to do, but I gave her six questions to ponder.
1. He can’t travel long distances because of a bike accident three years ago. He can’t even take a bus or a train? Or, is it that he doesn’t want to bother to travel?
2. She hadn’t heard from him for more than a year. She contacted him. That doesn’t sound like a man who is interested in her.
3. The same magic, or chemistry, that was between them 20-plus years before will not be the same. Age takes its toll on chemistry. Also, if he is so debilitated from the bike accident, does she think he would have the same physical capabilities he had back then? And how about her? Would she still be like she was in that age category?
4. Why, if she had to walk on eggshells with him before, does she think that would be different now?
5. She is 79. Does she really think she’d want to relocate to be with a man she barely knows and leave her family behind? Doesn’t she think that would be terribly risky?
6. She says she doesn’t want to lose him again. As it is, she doesn’t have him.
“I hope the above six questions will clear the air for you,” I wrote. “For a new relationship to work, both people need to be on the same page. It appears you are not. Stay where you are.”
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