- Written by Sy Rosen Sy Rosen
After listening to politicians for the past year, I realized something very important: I should stop listening to politicians.
However, they are good at one thing—spinning. Making everything sound better than it really is.
Well, maybe it’s time we seniors get in on the spin bandwagon. We’ve all heard the spin that wrinkles are really “wisdom lines.” I want to take this to the next level.
One image of seniors is that we constantly repeat ourselves. I suggest we spin this by saying we are simply “reinforcing our ideas” (mostly to people who are not smart enough to understand what we are saying the first time).
Unfortunately to many, a walker is a symbol of our declining years. We can change this impression by calling it a “self-powered mobility device.”
As we get older, we are subject to shrinking, about 1-2 inches in height. However, if we spin “shrinking” to “downsizing,” we are strongly implying that it’s something we want to do. Many people across the country are happily moving into smaller homes. Well, we’re happily moving into smaller bodies. And it doesn’t hurt that “downsizing” is a current term (by “current” I mean about 30 years old).
“Early-bird dinner” has become a punch line for getting older. We will now call it a “late lunch.” And it’s nobody’s business that our next meal is an early breakfast.
As we get older, we go to the bathroom several times a night. We should spin these bathroom excursions and call them “evening aerobics.”
Reading the obits has become an obsession as we age. We want to make sure nobody we know is in the obits and, more important, that we’re not in there. Instead of “checking the obits,” I now call it “longevity data research.” It gives a scientific flair to our obsession.
As we age, many of us get a “turkey neck.” This is not a flattering description, so I suggest we call it a “flap app.” OK, this really makes no sense, but by using “app” we are giving it a youthful spin. And it helps that it rhymes—we are now joining the ranks of rappers.
Large-print books are also associated with getting older. I suggest we call it “extreme lettering.” By using the word “extreme,” we’re getting in on the extreme sports culture of our country.
Another stereotype of getting older is that we are forced to be alone, feeling depressed. Let’s change this image of solitary unhappiness by calling it “The Garbo.” Greta Garbo famously said, “I want to be alone.”
Yet another symptom of getting older is loss of hair. We should stop using the negative word “bald” and start calling our shiny scalp “skin bling.” The word “bling” indicates we are kind of hip (if “hip” is still a hip word).
Another stereotype is that we live in the past, thinking of days gone by. By spinning this and calling us “time travelers,” I’m giving us a sci-fi aura. And time traveling doesn’t have to mean that we actually go there physically—we can go there mentally. Right now I am thinking I am 16 years old. Oh man, I’m getting a pimple.
I would write more, but I feel like taking a nap. I mean, a “mental power regenerator.”